thursday

i guess should start with yesterday. dar got some problem at home.. den at night he called me.. we were talking.. den he talked abt himself as he was brought up in a violence family he might became one as well.. after we got married he might beat me up n abuse me too.. i told him that's the history, that's the past... just forget abt the things happened to the last generation. he commented that i still living in the ancient time. He said that it's now scientifically proven that this family background will have child who will react the same way. He asked me to think twice before marrying him.. i was shock.. it's a devastated sentence out of his mouth. to him might be a comment made casually or juz a simple warning.. but to me.. it's kinda like rejection.. a rejection to my love.. kinda like... no matter how much i do.. how much i show him i love him, how well i treat him, how much love i shower him with, he'll nv be able to love me till the extent that he'll prevent himself to turn violent, he'll nv be able to control himself n not act violently towards me.. i have so much faith in him, giving him all i have, but yet.. he keep doubting himself, doubting his love for me... doubting everything. i msg him i dont care who is out there whether better than him or not, all i know is i love him. i ask him not to think abt better option outside for me, all i wanna know is he want me or not.. he just avoid the qns n ask me to turn in early. i didnt know how to react to it.. i was.. really.. sad.. it gives me an impression that he himself is not sure whether he wants me or not. i know.. maybe he's scared that he'll really turn out to be a violent husband that's why he doesnt wish to say a want but put me in deep shit in the future. but to me.. a want is really more important than my life. i believe very much in love. once i step into it i'll nv be able to get out of it. i can suffer, in pain, in poverty, in silence, as long as i know that he still love me it's all more than enough... that's all i want.

hmm.. today started off quite well.. becoz darling gave me 2 morning calls though i wasnt able to pick them up as i was bathing. den got a msg from him trying to see if i'm awake or not.. den the last msg was, u must take care too. den no msg no calls nothing till around 1.30pm. he msged me.. i was so relief to see his msg.. i thought he'll really give me up... but he still miss me.. so happy...

but den... he still kinda down.. ya lo... dont know how to cheer him up too... i must jia you!!!