=|| tRuSt ||=

It is important to have trust in a relationship. Yet, it is difficult for one, especially the female, to trust the other party fully. The more you love the person, the more you wouldnt want to find out that they person betray your trust. Even if the person is with you 24/7. Being a selfish me, I would want him to be both mentally and physically mine! I wonder if that is too much, but I just couldnt get myself to not want that. He is a very fun loving person. He has his past. We both grow up in a very different environment.

He used to smoke, club alot, pubbing, etc. He enjoy his life with no restriction being very open minded and make friends from all walks of life. He is living in the Fun side of life. For me? I'm brought up in a conservative family where very concern about moral values. I've curfew as early as 7pm. No clubbing, pubbing, drinking, and dont even talk abt smoking. Hence, we have a very big hurdle to get over in our relationship that is our mentallity differences.

Firstly, he used to go clubbing and pubbing alot. Have lots of friends there. A place where i know nuts about. After i'm with him, i keep asking him to bring me to club one day. I want to see and want to know his way of living. He keep refusing saying that it is not the kind of place for me. Telling me i wont like it. I know only by that then i might be able to know more of his friends and get into his life. But i was being rejected. I didnt tell him my real reason for wanting to go. Just say I just want to go and have fun, to see what's in there that attracted so many people. Then we finally went, but just with my friends. Only one is his. When he talk to his friends, went smoking outside, he didnt bring me along. I can understand as it is a GUY thing. So i just sit there and be a crazy self playing around with my friends. To my surprise, i didnt hate the place as much as i thought i will. In fact, i find that it is a good place to let out all unhappiness in me. WHY? The music is loud enough that i can shout all i want and no one will bother.

Though, he had brought me to club, to pub, Yet i still dont seems to know the real him. Maybe i think too much. Yet, to him, i am transparent, my emotion is always on my face, my friends, everything of me he will know. However, to me, he is still a mystery that i've yet to solve it. Indeed, i know his temper, his preference, his family and some of his friends. Yet, I still feels that I have him in my world, I know only the him in my world. I dont know the him in his world.

At times, i really have the thought that one day, i'll go to club and pubs alone. Befriend with those type that will visit the place often and understand their life. Knowing: "Why flirting is a norm to them?", "Why having a gf is not enough to make them happy that they still would like to play around with other girls even though it is not serious affair.", "Why to them certain words like "darling", "dear", are just so insignificant that they can call any Tom Dick and Harry that.".

I am not saying that having a friend of different gender is a NO nO. Just that, I want to see a clear line drawn. Am I being too demanding? Sometimes i really hope that i am not that soft hearted. I just want to know if really i quarrel with him regarding those problems and i suggested a break up, will he just leave my world because he feels that he cant fit in, or will he want me back. Sometimes, I really dont feel that he needs me. Maybe i just want too much. Maybe i am not giving him enough space to breath.

I always know that privacy is needed even in a relationship. Yet, i just feel that since i can be so transparent to you about every thing in my life everything that happens to me. Being so open that you can take my phone browse through all my msg and i wont say a thing. You can even call anyone in it. Yet, you are just so afraid. Why i dont trust you? Because of all this actions that you showing. All this gives me a very unsafe feeling. You said it is your privacy. But i just cant help it and let my imagination run wild thinking of all the why why and more whys.

HOW?? I dont know... I dont know........ All i can is try to use the love i have for you to keep telling myself our difference and accept you rules, your way of living. I will try, but i really cant promise that things like that day wont happen again. Though i still dont see a reason why it is my fault totally, Why you dont protect me and confront her when she said stuff otherwise? why all faults lies in me, I'll still try to figure it out and try to control myself and make sure such things wont ever happened again.

PS: Darling, actually i suppose to leave you this time round. Because i promised that if this thing happens again, i'll leave without asking for mercy. If you wan that, let me know. I'll do as promised.